It's been almost two weeks since my last post, and not coincidentally, two weeks since I started my newest round of medication. Besides setting new personal records in pain endurance over a five day period early in the month, things have been going pretty much as expected. Let's just say, my expectations are very, very low.
My doctor had told me, and as I have read over and over on the web, chronic lyme patients often feel much, much worse when starting new meds (the Herx Reaction). After a few days, the patient is supposed to start feeling a little better as bugs are killed, eliminated, and then go into hiding in their cyst form. The thinking goes that month long pulses of strong antibiotics will eventually catch the invaders when they are vulnerable, killing them in the process and driving others back into hiding. Changing up the antibiotics each month or so keeps the bugs guessing.
I have a feeling that this method will be looked at as quite archaic in a decade or two. It's like decapitating a patient to get rid of his or her headache. It will be interesting to see what the future holds for both Lyme and Cancer treatments, each of which involves making a patient much sicker in order to get them better. However, how many really every do truly get better using this approach?
Honestly, I'm confused more than anything. My wife and I have worked very hard at changing our diets and re-learning how to eat. Doing this has been the number one best thing that I have done to help improve my condition. Bar none, the best thing by far. I can not emphasize this enough.
Twice a day I take a nuclear dose of antibiotics that sets off WWIII inside my belly. I'm being warned about candida and all kinds of other wonderful things. These drugs make me so sick that I can't get off the floor for nearly a week. When I finally do pull myself up, I feel entirely empty and dead inside. Almost emotionless.
I can keep telling myself to be positive, think happy thoughts, relax, watch some of my favorite old movies and laugh, etc…. It seems I can generate an overall feeling of tolerance for my situation in short bursts, but these are quickly swept aside. It's seems to be the specialty of the Doxycycline while it's inside my body - keeping everything tipped towards the negative. I noticed this last time I was on it as well.
The previous regiment I was on was much different, better overall, but still pretty horrible in its own way. It did allow me to be more active, but I also felt a lot more unbalanced. It was kind of a happy crazy, where I actually felt a bit creative, had the desire to work on things, do things, communicate with people, write, etc. Right now, I just want to…… I don't know, stare at a wall? Lie on the floor?
If I could, I'd just sleep for the next two weeks.
To wrap this up and tie it all together, this treatment path just doesn't feel right. Perhaps I need to seek out more success stories. I haven't found many for Chronic Lyme Patients who were misdiagnosed for as long as I was, but there are some out there. The bitch is, most of these people have used different approaches to get better. There really is no consensus on what works. Patients get in arguments with each other regarding different protocols that their doctors promote all the time. It's weird.
I'm just trying to grapple with how to approach all this that is not only best for myself, but for my family as well. Me being locked in my room for a month at a time, unable to even be around other people, is no way to get healthy. Taking medications that annihilate who I am, making me an uncaring, blank, emotionless turd, is no way to get healthy. Destroying the health of my gut and digestive system - also, no way to get healthy.
I don't know what the answer is. I'm simply just going to have to give this some more time. This sickness doesn't just affect me, though, but those around me too. I am über-aware of this, probably to a fault. I feel so bad for what this disease has done to my family, how it has turned our lives upside down.
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And, another negative, depressing post. THIS is why I disappear when I feel like this. I don't like putting this kind of energy out there, but shit, it IS my life right now. And, that's what this blog is about.
Hopefully I'll be back with a happier post soon. The kids are up, so I best go say good morning. Best part of my day. I just wish it lasted longer.
Thanks for reading. Take care.
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