Un-Total Recall

This last week has been a relatively good one.  Overall, certain neurological and cognitive symptoms have declined while on the most current antibiotic protocol of Doxycycline and Flagyl.  Other symptoms have increased or gotten worse, likely a result of the Herxenheimer reaction and the huge load of crap I'm dumping down my throat each day to get me healthy.  My back and body and arthritic pain has been substantially worse, yet I'm filled with anxious energy most of the day.  If I'm not moving or doing something that's keeping me occupied, I get bored and antsy.  It's frustrating as hell, because there really isn't a whole helluva lot that I can do.

Another thing that the Flagyl-type antibiotics do to me, and I know I've mentioned this before, is they make me feel a bit loopy and scatter my emotions all over the place.  When I do get up to walk around, I feel a bit like the alien character Vincent D'onforio played in "Men in Black".  You know, the stumbling, bumbling, leg dragging zombie-looking dude with his head barely attached that emerges from the crashed flying saucer?  Yeah, I feel like that a lot.

I've still been having a really hard time typing and using a mouse to work on the computer.  The last few days, I've been limited to only an hour or two each day of being able to do anything.  I'm glad I've finally embraced Siri on the iPhone.  I wish she existed on this laptop. The arthritis in my hands and arms and fingers (and the rest of my body) is definitely getting worse with time.  The future ain't looking too bright for me and computer work.  Reminds me of the days when my right wrist or elbow would swell to the size of a baseball, be red and hot, and I'd go into work and do everything left handed for a couple weeks.  Yeah, those were the days……

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The above is just me bitching about my situation, or telling it like is, I guess.  My aches and pains likely go beyond most people's, but we all deal with this shit as we get older (as I type this one day before my 40th birthday).  I'll deal.  Always have.

Something occurred last night, however, that kind of scared me.  An old friend posted a picture on Facebook of a play that our 6th grade class had performed back in 1986.  I recognized the gym, I recognized all the faces and remembered all the names.  What I can't remember is participating in that play, or any details of it for that matter.

As I laid down for bed, this was really bugging me.  I searched my memory for everything I could, focussing on those years in 5th and 6th grade at Fullerton IV Elementary.  Nothing came.  Actually, some stuff did, but all bordering on the negative.   They weren't exactly pleasant memories, but simply the stuff most kids go through and learn from.   But I KNOW I had fun at that school.  I made some awesome friends, played sports with some great guys and gals, but where are these specific memories?  Bits and pieces, sure, but not much else.

So I tried to reach back farther, and lo-and-behold, I was flooded with childhood memories, happy ones, fun ones.  For the sake of brevity, I won't list them here, but these memories were also associated with a surge of energy through my body, telling me I had hit upon something.  What I'd hit upon was a big, huge, thick-ass wall that went up in my life between 4th and 5th grade.  It was during this time that I was infected with Lyme Disease.

I have had the problem on dwelling on the negative for most of my life, and I think I know why now.  I am highly, highly aware of this problem, and being aware, have tried to remedy it in numerous ways numerous times.  It's often driven me batty, my overactive mind always trying to find answers to questions such as, "why am I like this?".  "Why do I act like this?".  "Why can't I control it?"

I've never did read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, so I don't know how cognizant one was of the other.  In my case, when I'm being, as Joe Rogan likes to say, a cunt, I know I'm doing it.  And I can't stop.  And then I breathe and think, "what in the hell did I just do?  why?".   And then I'm back to being a nice, laid back guy who is really easy to get along with.  You know, until I blow up again and alienate myself from everyone.

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I want my friends, old and new alike, to know that these negative feelings are only memories being affected.  My feelings towards people I know and respect are almost always positive, and those haven't been changed by Lyme.  Looking at that picture made me smile.  Seeing all of those familiar faces from those early years really made me long for "home", that abstract feeling of a place where so much of one's energy resides.

I'm really glad that picture was posted (thanks, Misha!).  It has provided me with another piece to my health puzzle, a once fuzzy picture that has now come into much better focus.

Now, to see if I survive until tomorrow.  Frankly, there were times I didn't think I'd see 40.  Like the time I was stuck on a 50 degree slope with hundreds of feet of exposure in way too warm of spring weather with slumping snow conditions in the Alps somewhere in Austria……. okay, for some reason, that's a 'negative' memory that makes me smile :)   I know, I'm weird….

Memories of an Old Friend

I was about 15 when my physical pain started becoming an every waking hour occurrence.  At the time, the pain was quite migratory, usually moving around to areas that I had previously injured.  Say, a sprained ankle or a jammed finger, or a twisted knee.  I remember my high school trainer getting so frustrated at times, him never seemingly able to help, me in his office every single day with new and old complaints.  It became a routine before and after all games and practices;  ice, tape, go play / cut the tape off, ice and heat, ice and heat.

I think Kevin and I spent two full years playing this game.  Since I played sports year-round, there weren't many days where we didn't see each other.  Man, I remember complaining constantly about lifting weights and how sore it would make me, how I never seemed to recover like everyone else, but how I was forced to lift regardless of my pleas.  During my senior year, Kevin actually played a part in getting those requirement lifted for me during basketball season.  I don't think I ever told him how thankful I was for that.

After graduating and leaving Roseburg in the rearview mirror, I never really looked back.  I regret that to this day.  As I get older, memories and scenes from my past play out while I'm lying in bed.  When these incidents occurred in real life, I paid them little heed.  I was always looking ahead, wondering what was around the next corner, chasing that next adventure

But now, as I see these scenes from my life replay in my mind's eye, their significance become apparent.   It's hard to describe, but one such scene played out recently after I learned just how sick my old high school trainer, Kevin, had become.  I kind of look at it as a recalled memory while in a deep meditative state, something I do often since I spend so much time in bed.  Anyway, this was the incident I relived;

My mystery injuries were occurring with such frequency, causing Kevin to became concerned enough that he took time out of his day to take me to the hospital for ultrasound treatments.  Although the sessions didn't end up helping me much, the time spent with Kevin most definitely did.  It was just so nice being around someone who didn't think I was crazy or a simple hypochondriac.   I could just tell - he believed what I was telling him, and I knew he wanted to help.  He was just that kind of guy.
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I ran into Kevin at Cavitt Creek one summer while up there cooling off with some friends.  This must have been only a year or two out of high school, because I still wasn't 21 years old.  But, hey, it was hot, it was summer, and we wanted some beer.  And Kevin and his friend had a cooler full.

Of course, we asked, perhaps even pleaded, but our requests were responsibly turned down by these stand up adults.  Only one thing to do - trick them!

If you are familiar with Cavitt Creek, then this will make sense:  We were sitting up at a picnic table next to the "jumping spot" where the sign is that says "No Jumping".

So, after being denied beer, and with the temperature approaching Pam Anderson melting ferocity, we decided to do a jump into the water below.  My idea was to use the table as a launching point to jump over the fence, actually something that I'd done many times before.  So, I do this, and my next friend does it, and then the next.  By the time friend three is in the water, I'm just about to the shore, ready to climb out of the water.

But I pause.  I turn around start heckling Kevin and his friend.  Telling them how good the water feels.  Telling Kevin how sexy he'll look with his shirt off.   Eventually, they've had enough, it's hot as hell, but they say they won't jump from the table, just the rocks.

"Fine by me", I say. (In my head - this will buy us more time…..)

I wait for Kevin's friend to jump.  Then Kevin.  Then I ran up the stairs and stole a beer for myself and each friend.

Thanks, Kev.  Best Beer Ever
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I truly believe that each and every one of us gives off our own energy signature.  When we interact with others, we can absorb both their negative and positive vibrations.  Although it's been over 20 years since I last interacted with Kevin, that energy I gleaned from him has stuck with me to this day.  It always will.  And I KNOW it will for so many other people that he has cared for and helped.

I don't really know how to end this, so I'm just going to say

Thank You