Friday, April 4, 2014

Un-Total Recall

This last week has been a relatively good one.  Overall, certain neurological and cognitive symptoms have declined while on the most current antibiotic protocol of Doxycycline and Flagyl.  Other symptoms have increased or gotten worse, likely a result of the Herxenheimer reaction and the huge load of crap I'm dumping down my throat each day to get me healthy.  My back and body and arthritic pain has been substantially worse, yet I'm filled with anxious energy most of the day.  If I'm not moving or doing something that's keeping me occupied, I get bored and antsy.  It's frustrating as hell, because there really isn't a whole helluva lot that I can do.

Another thing that the Flagyl-type antibiotics do to me, and I know I've mentioned this before, is they make me feel a bit loopy and scatter my emotions all over the place.  When I do get up to walk around, I feel a bit like the alien character Vincent D'onforio played in "Men in Black".  You know, the stumbling, bumbling, leg dragging zombie-looking dude with his head barely attached that emerges from the crashed flying saucer?  Yeah, I feel like that a lot.

I've still been having a really hard time typing and using a mouse to work on the computer.  The last few days, I've been limited to only an hour or two each day of being able to do anything.  I'm glad I've finally embraced Siri on the iPhone.  I wish she existed on this laptop. The arthritis in my hands and arms and fingers (and the rest of my body) is definitely getting worse with time.  The future ain't looking too bright for me and computer work.  Reminds me of the days when my right wrist or elbow would swell to the size of a baseball, be red and hot, and I'd go into work and do everything left handed for a couple weeks.  Yeah, those were the days……

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The above is just me bitching about my situation, or telling it like is, I guess.  My aches and pains likely go beyond most people's, but we all deal with this shit as we get older (as I type this one day before my 40th birthday).  I'll deal.  Always have.

Something occurred last night, however, that kind of scared me.  An old friend posted a picture on Facebook of a play that our 6th grade class had performed back in 1986.  I recognized the gym, I recognized all the faces and remembered all the names.  What I can't remember is participating in that play, or any details of it for that matter.

As I laid down for bed, this was really bugging me.  I searched my memory for everything I could, focussing on those years in 5th and 6th grade at Fullerton IV Elementary.  Nothing came.  Actually, some stuff did, but all bordering on the negative.   They weren't exactly pleasant memories, but simply the stuff most kids go through and learn from.   But I KNOW I had fun at that school.  I made some awesome friends, played sports with some great guys and gals, but where are these specific memories?  Bits and pieces, sure, but not much else.

So I tried to reach back farther, and lo-and-behold, I was flooded with childhood memories, happy ones, fun ones.  For the sake of brevity, I won't list them here, but these memories were also associated with a surge of energy through my body, telling me I had hit upon something.  What I'd hit upon was a big, huge, thick-ass wall that went up in my life between 4th and 5th grade.  It was during this time that I was infected with Lyme Disease.

I have had the problem on dwelling on the negative for most of my life, and I think I know why now.  I am highly, highly aware of this problem, and being aware, have tried to remedy it in numerous ways numerous times.  It's often driven me batty, my overactive mind always trying to find answers to questions such as, "why am I like this?".  "Why do I act like this?".  "Why can't I control it?"

I've never did read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, so I don't know how cognizant one was of the other.  In my case, when I'm being, as Joe Rogan likes to say, a cunt, I know I'm doing it.  And I can't stop.  And then I breathe and think, "what in the hell did I just do?  why?".   And then I'm back to being a nice, laid back guy who is really easy to get along with.  You know, until I blow up again and alienate myself from everyone.

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I want my friends, old and new alike, to know that these negative feelings are only memories being affected.  My feelings towards people I know and respect are almost always positive, and those haven't been changed by Lyme.  Looking at that picture made me smile.  Seeing all of those familiar faces from those early years really made me long for "home", that abstract feeling of a place where so much of one's energy resides.

I'm really glad that picture was posted (thanks, Misha!).  It has provided me with another piece to my health puzzle, a once fuzzy picture that has now come into much better focus.

Now, to see if I survive until tomorrow.  Frankly, there were times I didn't think I'd see 40.  Like the time I was stuck on a 50 degree slope with hundreds of feet of exposure in way too warm of spring weather with slumping snow conditions in the Alps somewhere in Austria……. okay, for some reason, that's a 'negative' memory that makes me smile :)   I know, I'm weird….









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