This is something I've been meaning to do for a long time - create one website to house all of my different blogs and work projects. I've been in a different type of head and body space over the last two weeks, one where my head is mostly clear, I feel like a participant in the world, but the pain in my body is out-of-control. It's actually one of my least favorite conditions. I have all the desire and energy in the world to create and do and go, but my body won't let me.
Two days ago, while doing some very light gardening, the muscles between my shoulders seized up and I could no longer use my arms. That was……interesting. After the muscle seizure finally let up a minute or so later, I had to throw a bag of ice on the center of my back for an hour just to bring the pain down to a manageable level.
These types of scenarios occur often when I'm in this type of Lyme condition. Scenarios where I over-exert myself physically and am then bedridden for days or weeks. Correspondingly, my mood deteriorates the longer my mobility is affected and the longer I am stuck inside. It's a self-sustaining loop of bullshit that Lyme enjoys dishing out from time to time. I swear, sometimes having the symptoms of derealiziation and brain fog can be a blessing…..
One good thing usually does occur when I get like this, however. Boredom usually ends up leading to something productive - if my body allows it. Luckily, for the past week, my arthritis hasn't been too bad and my arms, hands and fingers have mostly been cooperating with the command signals from the brain. There have been a few rebellions here and there, primarily due to my inability to take breaks at proper times. I'm aware of this and ma trying to learn…..
I didn't set out to write an actual post, but just a bulletin about the blog location change. I do have a couple of topics I've been mulling over in my head recently that I would like to write about soon. Perhaps tomorrow (14 May). It's now time to wrap a few things up and get ready for bed. Below you will find the link to the new website and the direct link to the new Lyme, AK blog:
NateAtwood.com
My Life in Lyme, Alaska
I will likely have the blog re-direct automatically to the new website in a few weeks.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Breakfast of Champions
The book came out a year before I was born. 1973, to be exact. I didn't discover Vonnegut's writings until I ventured off on my own to college, nearly 20 years later. Like other author's that I quickly become enamored with, I devoured his library of work as fast as I could.
Admittedly, many of the more subtle points of Mr. Vonnegut's writings escaped me, for I was a simple babe in the woods in those younger years. Wide-eyed, questioning, but not yet really understanding much of how things really worked in this world.
When I re-read many of Vonnegut's books about a decade later, they made a lot more sense to me. By this point, I had a little world travel under my belt, had surfed and skied and gotten really drunk in a lot of different places on the planet. From all outwardly appearances, things seemed to be going swimmingly, but really, I was just a robot, going through the paces. I was quite sick during this time, and not one person understood what I was going through, including myself. I just knew I was slowly falling apart and rotting away.
-----
It's been over a week now since I received my first Lyme Disease antigen shot. I still don't have much information to share about this yet, but will after my next appointment - I promise. For now, however, I just want to share a very relevant passage from the preface of Kurt Vonnegut's 1973 book "Breakfast of Champions", a passage that was pointed out to me by my doctor on my last visit (he had just started reading the book).
When my doctor asked me if I had read Vonnegut before, I just smiled.
"I've been to the location of Slaughterhouse Five in Dresden", I said. "Yes, I'm a fan of his work".
The doctor then reminded me of that passage in the preface, and as he described it, it all came back to me.
As for the suspicion I express in this book, that human beings are robots, are machines: It should be noted that people, mostly men, suffering from the late stages of syphilis, from locomotor ataxia, were common spectacles in downtown Indianapolis and in circus crowds when I was a boy.
Those people were infested with carnivorous little corkscrews which could be seen only with a microscope. The victims’ vertebrae were welded together after the corkscrews got through with the meat between. The syphilitics seemed tremendously dignified - erect, eyes straight ahead.
I saw one stand on a curb at the corner of Meridian and Washington streets one time, underneath an overhanging clock which my father designed. The intersection was known locally as “The Crossroads of America.”
This syphilitic man was thinking hard there, at the Crossroads of America, about how to get his legs to step off the curb and carry him across Washington Street. He shuddered gently, as though he had a small motor which was idling inside. Here was his problem: his brains, where the instructions to his legs originated, were being eaten alive by corkscrews. The wires which had to carry the instructions weren’t insulated anymore, or were eaten clear through. Switches along the way were welded open or shut.
This man looked like an old, old man, although he might have been only thirty years old. He thought and thought. And then he kicked two times like a chorus girl.
He certainly looked like a machine to me when I was a boy.
Admittedly, many of the more subtle points of Mr. Vonnegut's writings escaped me, for I was a simple babe in the woods in those younger years. Wide-eyed, questioning, but not yet really understanding much of how things really worked in this world.
When I re-read many of Vonnegut's books about a decade later, they made a lot more sense to me. By this point, I had a little world travel under my belt, had surfed and skied and gotten really drunk in a lot of different places on the planet. From all outwardly appearances, things seemed to be going swimmingly, but really, I was just a robot, going through the paces. I was quite sick during this time, and not one person understood what I was going through, including myself. I just knew I was slowly falling apart and rotting away.
-----
It's been over a week now since I received my first Lyme Disease antigen shot. I still don't have much information to share about this yet, but will after my next appointment - I promise. For now, however, I just want to share a very relevant passage from the preface of Kurt Vonnegut's 1973 book "Breakfast of Champions", a passage that was pointed out to me by my doctor on my last visit (he had just started reading the book).
When my doctor asked me if I had read Vonnegut before, I just smiled.
"I've been to the location of Slaughterhouse Five in Dresden", I said. "Yes, I'm a fan of his work".
The doctor then reminded me of that passage in the preface, and as he described it, it all came back to me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As for the suspicion I express in this book, that human beings are robots, are machines: It should be noted that people, mostly men, suffering from the late stages of syphilis, from locomotor ataxia, were common spectacles in downtown Indianapolis and in circus crowds when I was a boy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little FYI: The bacterial spirochete that causes Lyme Disease is a close cousin to the spirochete that is responsible for Syphilis. Even many of the symptoms that each causes are similar. Before it was known that a simple shot of penicillin could cure syphilis, many struggled and lived with the disease. Kind of like Lyme today, except no magic bullet has yet been found to eradicate the Lyme spirochete.
I plan on doing more writing in the future. Of course, my plans and desires don't often pair up well with the physical state of my body and the need for my body to rest.
The last couple of weeks have been rough. I've been filled with the desire to do so many things lately, my mind on overdrive. The 18 hours of bright, beautiful sunshine we've been getting probably has a lot to do with this. However, my lower back and left knee and head, jaw, and right wrist, and…. have had other ideas. Due to their conspiratorial efforts, I've spent most of my time recently in my zero-gravity chair or on the floor. At least my head has been a bit clearer as of late. It's a blessing and a curse. I can read without too much trouble, but I'm also now more aware of how bad of shape certain parts of my body are. One of the many Catch-22's when dealing with Lyme.
 |
| The Dresden Messe on the outskirts of Dresden, Germany. The location of the actual Slaughterhouse from Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse Five, or The Children's Crusade: A Duty-Dance with Death" |
 |
| This is approximately where the entrance to the actual Slaughterhouse was located. The whole area sits on a wide bend in the Elbe River, so a lot of industrial type stuff went on out here. It is very slowly being built back up and restored since the reunification of East Germany with West Germany in 1990. |
Friday, April 4, 2014
Un-Total Recall
This last week has been a relatively good one. Overall, certain neurological and cognitive symptoms have declined while on the most current antibiotic protocol of Doxycycline and Flagyl. Other symptoms have increased or gotten worse, likely a result of the Herxenheimer reaction and the huge load of crap I'm dumping down my throat each day to get me healthy. My back and body and arthritic pain has been substantially worse, yet I'm filled with anxious energy most of the day. If I'm not moving or doing something that's keeping me occupied, I get bored and antsy. It's frustrating as hell, because there really isn't a whole helluva lot that I can do.
Another thing that the Flagyl-type antibiotics do to me, and I know I've mentioned this before, is they make me feel a bit loopy and scatter my emotions all over the place. When I do get up to walk around, I feel a bit like the alien character Vincent D'onforio played in "Men in Black". You know, the stumbling, bumbling, leg dragging zombie-looking dude with his head barely attached that emerges from the crashed flying saucer? Yeah, I feel like that a lot.
I've still been having a really hard time typing and using a mouse to work on the computer. The last few days, I've been limited to only an hour or two each day of being able to do anything. I'm glad I've finally embraced Siri on the iPhone. I wish she existed on this laptop. The arthritis in my hands and arms and fingers (and the rest of my body) is definitely getting worse with time. The future ain't looking too bright for me and computer work. Reminds me of the days when my right wrist or elbow would swell to the size of a baseball, be red and hot, and I'd go into work and do everything left handed for a couple weeks. Yeah, those were the days……
------------------
The above is just me bitching about my situation, or telling it like is, I guess. My aches and pains likely go beyond most people's, but we all deal with this shit as we get older (as I type this one day before my 40th birthday). I'll deal. Always have.
Something occurred last night, however, that kind of scared me. An old friend posted a picture on Facebook of a play that our 6th grade class had performed back in 1986. I recognized the gym, I recognized all the faces and remembered all the names. What I can't remember is participating in that play, or any details of it for that matter.
As I laid down for bed, this was really bugging me. I searched my memory for everything I could, focussing on those years in 5th and 6th grade at Fullerton IV Elementary. Nothing came. Actually, some stuff did, but all bordering on the negative. They weren't exactly pleasant memories, but simply the stuff most kids go through and learn from. But I KNOW I had fun at that school. I made some awesome friends, played sports with some great guys and gals, but where are these specific memories? Bits and pieces, sure, but not much else.
So I tried to reach back farther, and lo-and-behold, I was flooded with childhood memories, happy ones, fun ones. For the sake of brevity, I won't list them here, but these memories were also associated with a surge of energy through my body, telling me I had hit upon something. What I'd hit upon was a big, huge, thick-ass wall that went up in my life between 4th and 5th grade. It was during this time that I was infected with Lyme Disease.
I have had the problem on dwelling on the negative for most of my life, and I think I know why now. I am highly, highly aware of this problem, and being aware, have tried to remedy it in numerous ways numerous times. It's often driven me batty, my overactive mind always trying to find answers to questions such as, "why am I like this?". "Why do I act like this?". "Why can't I control it?"
I've never did read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, so I don't know how cognizant one was of the other. In my case, when I'm being, as Joe Rogan likes to say, a cunt, I know I'm doing it. And I can't stop. And then I breathe and think, "what in the hell did I just do? why?". And then I'm back to being a nice, laid back guy who is really easy to get along with. You know, until I blow up again and alienate myself from everyone.
------------------
I want my friends, old and new alike, to know that these negative feelings are only memories being affected. My feelings towards people I know and respect are almost always positive, and those haven't been changed by Lyme. Looking at that picture made me smile. Seeing all of those familiar faces from those early years really made me long for "home", that abstract feeling of a place where so much of one's energy resides.
I'm really glad that picture was posted (thanks, Misha!). It has provided me with another piece to my health puzzle, a once fuzzy picture that has now come into much better focus.
Now, to see if I survive until tomorrow. Frankly, there were times I didn't think I'd see 40. Like the time I was stuck on a 50 degree slope with hundreds of feet of exposure in way too warm of spring weather with slumping snow conditions in the Alps somewhere in Austria……. okay, for some reason, that's a 'negative' memory that makes me smile :) I know, I'm weird….
Another thing that the Flagyl-type antibiotics do to me, and I know I've mentioned this before, is they make me feel a bit loopy and scatter my emotions all over the place. When I do get up to walk around, I feel a bit like the alien character Vincent D'onforio played in "Men in Black". You know, the stumbling, bumbling, leg dragging zombie-looking dude with his head barely attached that emerges from the crashed flying saucer? Yeah, I feel like that a lot.
I've still been having a really hard time typing and using a mouse to work on the computer. The last few days, I've been limited to only an hour or two each day of being able to do anything. I'm glad I've finally embraced Siri on the iPhone. I wish she existed on this laptop. The arthritis in my hands and arms and fingers (and the rest of my body) is definitely getting worse with time. The future ain't looking too bright for me and computer work. Reminds me of the days when my right wrist or elbow would swell to the size of a baseball, be red and hot, and I'd go into work and do everything left handed for a couple weeks. Yeah, those were the days……
------------------
The above is just me bitching about my situation, or telling it like is, I guess. My aches and pains likely go beyond most people's, but we all deal with this shit as we get older (as I type this one day before my 40th birthday). I'll deal. Always have.
Something occurred last night, however, that kind of scared me. An old friend posted a picture on Facebook of a play that our 6th grade class had performed back in 1986. I recognized the gym, I recognized all the faces and remembered all the names. What I can't remember is participating in that play, or any details of it for that matter.
As I laid down for bed, this was really bugging me. I searched my memory for everything I could, focussing on those years in 5th and 6th grade at Fullerton IV Elementary. Nothing came. Actually, some stuff did, but all bordering on the negative. They weren't exactly pleasant memories, but simply the stuff most kids go through and learn from. But I KNOW I had fun at that school. I made some awesome friends, played sports with some great guys and gals, but where are these specific memories? Bits and pieces, sure, but not much else.
So I tried to reach back farther, and lo-and-behold, I was flooded with childhood memories, happy ones, fun ones. For the sake of brevity, I won't list them here, but these memories were also associated with a surge of energy through my body, telling me I had hit upon something. What I'd hit upon was a big, huge, thick-ass wall that went up in my life between 4th and 5th grade. It was during this time that I was infected with Lyme Disease.
I have had the problem on dwelling on the negative for most of my life, and I think I know why now. I am highly, highly aware of this problem, and being aware, have tried to remedy it in numerous ways numerous times. It's often driven me batty, my overactive mind always trying to find answers to questions such as, "why am I like this?". "Why do I act like this?". "Why can't I control it?"
I've never did read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, so I don't know how cognizant one was of the other. In my case, when I'm being, as Joe Rogan likes to say, a cunt, I know I'm doing it. And I can't stop. And then I breathe and think, "what in the hell did I just do? why?". And then I'm back to being a nice, laid back guy who is really easy to get along with. You know, until I blow up again and alienate myself from everyone.
------------------
I want my friends, old and new alike, to know that these negative feelings are only memories being affected. My feelings towards people I know and respect are almost always positive, and those haven't been changed by Lyme. Looking at that picture made me smile. Seeing all of those familiar faces from those early years really made me long for "home", that abstract feeling of a place where so much of one's energy resides.
I'm really glad that picture was posted (thanks, Misha!). It has provided me with another piece to my health puzzle, a once fuzzy picture that has now come into much better focus.
Now, to see if I survive until tomorrow. Frankly, there were times I didn't think I'd see 40. Like the time I was stuck on a 50 degree slope with hundreds of feet of exposure in way too warm of spring weather with slumping snow conditions in the Alps somewhere in Austria……. okay, for some reason, that's a 'negative' memory that makes me smile :) I know, I'm weird….
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
22 Days Later: The Toothless Vomitting Zombie Apocalypse
^ (the title sounded good at the time)
Much has happened over the past few weeks - I think. Trying to access these memories is not an easy task, however. Important dates and things I have consciously committed to memory - that stuff mostly seems to stick. It's all the details and filler that has been stirred up and tossed about, as if the cloudiness of my mind had spawned a tornado that tore it's way through the filing cabinet in my head.
I was able to enjoy a block of good days about a week ago when I took a break from the antibiotics. The cloudiness parted for much of this time, allowing me to have some quality time with the family.
Eventually, the fun had to end. I had planned to stay off the antibiotics for much longer in order to try a more natural and gentle approach to treatment. Then I realized that our insurance won't cover that and these natural protocols can be quite expensive, so……. Back on the antibiotics I went.
This time around, it's Flagyl and Doxycycline, as well as the Nystatin and about a pound of supplements to keep my immune system in check.
The Flagyl has affected me much like the Tindamax did a couple of months ago. I'm not as foggy on this stuff, but it makes me feel and behave kind of drunky. I can think …..
……and the Doxy still makes me throw up. I just went through a 10 minute vomit fest. That was the punch to the gut for today. I feel like shit now. Headache, shaky, and drained.
I see my doctor a couple weeks. He has the impression that oral antibiotics just might not work for me. He's mentioned trying injectable Rocephin and even an alternative antigen therapy which I'll talk more about if and when we do it.
I don't have a lot of juice left, but did want to mention that I have seen a chiropractor twice now, and will now be going in weekly. He is a great guy and has already helped a couple of my more troubling mobility issues. It is going to take a lot of work, though. He does suspect there is damage to my right SI Joint, something I asked over ten doctors and specialists to look at, but none ever would. All they wanted to look at were the discs in my spine (cha ching!). One other great thing about this chiro - he's totally paleo. Like, real paleo. I love walking into an office and seeing all the same books we have at home scattered about. Instills a bit of faith that this guy is not a corporate shill.
I also went back to see the dentist. Looks like I'll be losing my teeth before I lose my hair. You wouldn't know it on seeing me or my teeth in person, but the roots are all ate up by the bugs. It only took two years. That's scary. I'm just glad I now know I have Lyme and that I am treating it. It was just too late for my teeth.
This brings up a point that I try to make to people often, and it seems it just doesn't sink in: The Lyme can do PERMANENT DAMAGE to joints, bones, teeth, organs, etc….. I may be able to eventually kill the bugs, or at least manage them, but over the last 30 years of nobody listening to or believing me, A LOT of damage has been done. Case in point - I'm having to have my frickin' teeth ripped out at the age of 40. Maybe that will nail the point home for some people that this is quite serious stuff we're dealing with here.
I will post an update after I see the oral surgeon. I still don't have an appointment for that, but it should be fairly soon. Oh - this is pretty cool - the dentist I went to in Eagle River, Alaska, grew up in Roseburg, Oregon (where I grew up). Small world.
PS - at least I tossed my cookies on garbage pickup day. Gotta take even the small victories these days ;)
Much has happened over the past few weeks - I think. Trying to access these memories is not an easy task, however. Important dates and things I have consciously committed to memory - that stuff mostly seems to stick. It's all the details and filler that has been stirred up and tossed about, as if the cloudiness of my mind had spawned a tornado that tore it's way through the filing cabinet in my head.
I was able to enjoy a block of good days about a week ago when I took a break from the antibiotics. The cloudiness parted for much of this time, allowing me to have some quality time with the family.
Eventually, the fun had to end. I had planned to stay off the antibiotics for much longer in order to try a more natural and gentle approach to treatment. Then I realized that our insurance won't cover that and these natural protocols can be quite expensive, so……. Back on the antibiotics I went.
This time around, it's Flagyl and Doxycycline, as well as the Nystatin and about a pound of supplements to keep my immune system in check.
The Flagyl has affected me much like the Tindamax did a couple of months ago. I'm not as foggy on this stuff, but it makes me feel and behave kind of drunky. I can think …..
……and the Doxy still makes me throw up. I just went through a 10 minute vomit fest. That was the punch to the gut for today. I feel like shit now. Headache, shaky, and drained.
I see my doctor a couple weeks. He has the impression that oral antibiotics just might not work for me. He's mentioned trying injectable Rocephin and even an alternative antigen therapy which I'll talk more about if and when we do it.
I don't have a lot of juice left, but did want to mention that I have seen a chiropractor twice now, and will now be going in weekly. He is a great guy and has already helped a couple of my more troubling mobility issues. It is going to take a lot of work, though. He does suspect there is damage to my right SI Joint, something I asked over ten doctors and specialists to look at, but none ever would. All they wanted to look at were the discs in my spine (cha ching!). One other great thing about this chiro - he's totally paleo. Like, real paleo. I love walking into an office and seeing all the same books we have at home scattered about. Instills a bit of faith that this guy is not a corporate shill.
I also went back to see the dentist. Looks like I'll be losing my teeth before I lose my hair. You wouldn't know it on seeing me or my teeth in person, but the roots are all ate up by the bugs. It only took two years. That's scary. I'm just glad I now know I have Lyme and that I am treating it. It was just too late for my teeth.
This brings up a point that I try to make to people often, and it seems it just doesn't sink in: The Lyme can do PERMANENT DAMAGE to joints, bones, teeth, organs, etc….. I may be able to eventually kill the bugs, or at least manage them, but over the last 30 years of nobody listening to or believing me, A LOT of damage has been done. Case in point - I'm having to have my frickin' teeth ripped out at the age of 40. Maybe that will nail the point home for some people that this is quite serious stuff we're dealing with here.
I will post an update after I see the oral surgeon. I still don't have an appointment for that, but it should be fairly soon. Oh - this is pretty cool - the dentist I went to in Eagle River, Alaska, grew up in Roseburg, Oregon (where I grew up). Small world.
PS - at least I tossed my cookies on garbage pickup day. Gotta take even the small victories these days ;)
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
A Comedy of Errors
I have absolutely no creative juices flowing through me right now. None. These pills they have me on, they not only kill the bugs that have invaded my body, but they also do a great job at killing motivation and…… apparently language skills. I have ten words at the tip of my tongue (finger tips?), but can't get them out.
This last month has been a rough one. Most of it is a vague, dark, dusty memory, and that's fine with me. As the month wore on, I eventually was able to pull myself out of bed to go out and enjoy the February spring weather we are having here in South-Central Alaska. I was so tired of being stuck inside, damn the warning about sun exposure and antibiotics. Besides, the sun's angle of incidence at this time of year this far north really means that even with a bright, sunny sky, the UV exposure…… oh, nevermind...
With a fresh cup of coffee and a happy dog at my feet, I headed outside to soak up a little sun at our backyard picnic table. After a few minutes, I started noticing things around the yard that needed to be done. These were simple things, like picking up dog poo, trimming a few wayward and broken branches from the winter wind storms we'd had earlier in the season, shoring up a piece of fencing here and there, etc…
I didn't want to push things, so I decided to do a bit of simple branch trimming with our adjustable pruners that we'd picked up the previous fall. At the time, the adjustable handles seemed like a great idea, as we hoped it would mean a lot less bending for me. Then I tried to use them.
 |
| Beware of Pruners with adjustable handles! They be from the devil himself! |
I spent about twenty frustrating minutes clearing out an area overgrown by spindly birch saplings. This is where we plan on growing our own mushrooms this coming summer. I almost quit about halfway through the job, though. Those handles on that damn pruner would not stay locked no matter how hard I wrenched them into place. They would slip and twist, and if held overhead, would collapse.
I persevered, though, and mostly finished what I set out to do in that area of the yard. I then headed inside, poured another cup of coffee, grabbed the key for the mailbox, and went out and sat back down for a few minutes. Osu was in total relaxation mode, stretched out on a patch of rotten snow, taking in as much of that glorious sun as possible.
The plan from here on out was to take the little trail through the woods at the front of the house to go get the mail. I would take the pruners to trim a few wayward branches along the path. As I left the backyard, I noticed that Osu was a bit hesitant to go down the trail with me. He simply stopped and plopped down at the top, just watching me do my thing.
I had almost finished cleaning up the trail, battling the pruner the entire time. There were only a couple more branches left to cut and then move, and then I was done. This was work that most 13 years olds could do, meaning these 'branches' were not all that large or difficult to handle. No, the branches were fine, but when the left handle on the pruners gave away while cutting one of these insignificant branches, jamming the blunt end of the right handle directly into my elbow, I was not fine.
Everyone has bumped their funny bone a time or two in their lives, I'm sure. Usually, you just run around holding it, or flap it around like a broken wing, and the pain eventually fades away. This time was different. The pain kept building, eventually getting so bad that I ripped my shirt off, fell into a patch of snow, and tried to somewhat stop the pain with the cold. It worked - after about 10 minutes. Holy hell did this hurt.
Half of my right hand, including the entire pinky, is still completely numb, as is the outside of the forearm. The area around my elbow is so sensitive that I cannot put any pressure on it, including lying it on the ground when I'm on my back. It's one of the true weaknesses of the human body. A part of our design that might have been outsourced by our genes during the evolutionary process…. the damned ulnar nerve, or the (not so) "funny bone". But, at least I can sort of type again (spellcheck is being used heavily today, as I'm fat-fingering everything).
Defeated, I shuffled inside, mumbling to myself something about the universe not wanting me to do anything except sit in a chair or lie on the floor for the rest of my life. At the time, I was too focussed on my elbow to notice that something was wrong with Osu.
-------------------
Sitting in my chair, licking my wounds and feeling quite down, I heard a loud crash come from the hallway outside my door. It sounded like Osu's tail hitting the wall, but this was far too loud for that. I slowly got up, poked my head out of the door, and saw Osu lying down in the hallway in an odd manner. He had a somewhat puzzled and scared look in his eyes, and upon seeing me, tried to get up, but couldn't.
My first thought was that Osu had suffered a stroke. After observing him for a few minutes, It was obvious that something was horribly wrong. I could see that one side of his body wasn't working and that he was experiencing severe dizziness and vertigo. He couldn't walk, and when he tried, he'd take two steps in a circle and collapse.
I was scared. With no car at home, our neighbors in the lower 48, and Osu getting worse and worse, I called my wife at work to tell her what happened. Thankfully, she was quick enough on her feet to call a friend who lives nearby to see if she was available to help. She was, and was at the house in about 15 minutes. My wife eventually met us at the Veterinary Clinic 20 minutes later.
As we waited for the ride to the Vet, my thoughts turned to how we were going to get Osu into the car. He is not a dog that likes to be picked up, but that's exactly what had to happen to get him in the back of the car. Of course, I stupidly did this all on my own instead of letting our friend, Melanie, help out.
I was able to lift Osu up from the ground, cradling him in my arms. And it hurt my back and legs and knees and arms and my newly injured elbow, of course. After negotiating the small set of stairs into the garage, Osu got a bit wiggly, shifting his weight awkwardly in my arms. I responded by trying to hurry things up, hastening my pace to the car.
As I took my last step with my left leg, Osu shifted his weight once again. I tried to gently lean over and set him down in the back of the car, and that's when it happened - a very loud audible pop, and the physical sensations in the back of my knee, directly above my calf muscle, of something coming undone. Still, I held firm and managed not to drop the dog, but did so at the expense of my left knee.
We did manage to get Osu to the Veterinary Office and into see the Vet quickly. It turned out that Osu had experienced a fairly common malady for older dogs - Vestibular Disease / Extreme Vertigo. Although the symptoms look quite severe and are very disconcerting for the dog, the owner, and the Vet alike, it typically is not anything too serious. The Vet said it may or may not happen again. I love professional opinions like that…… Actually, the Vet was very good and did a great job. I thank her for taking care of my first baby.
-------------------
So, here we are, over a week later. I can't believe it's actually been over a week. I just checked my calendar again to confirm that it really has been that long since all this happened. Yep. My grasp on the passage of time has really become bad lately. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure how I feel about a lot of things. I do know I don't like how these antibiotics make me feel. Yes, I certainly do know that.
Osu is up to all of his old tricks again. Being sick certainly did not dampen his appetite, and it does appear that his mobility is nearly back to normal. Even the faintest sound of a piece of food hitting the carpet is enough to get him pouncing on whatever tasty morsel has fallen into his domain. Now, for me to heal up so I can get him outside and moving more. I really hope to be able to take him for, at the very least, short walks in the area soon. We could both really use it!
I'm wiped. I'm having a hard time believing it took over three and a half hours to write this. Even writing something seemingly simple, like an off-the-cuff blog post, has become a monumental effort. Hopefully, I will get a short respite from these antibiotics in two weeks. I'll write more about this in the coming days, as there have been a few slight changes in my treatment protocol.
Time to listen to the Universe and just veg out. Problem is, I'm not very good at this. I wonder if there is an online class I can take to teach me how to relax….. I'm kidding. Kind of.
(And, yes, I am keeping an eye on my injuries and will have the doc look at them next week. I can wait.)
 |
| Adventures with Osu - Matanuska Glacier, Alaska |
Monday, February 17, 2014
Validation is Always Welcome
After writing my last post the other day, "The Increased Amplitude of Emotions", I came across an entry on Reddit linking to a podcast discussing Chronic Lyme Disease and the use of Cannabis Oil (link below). The show touched upon and discussed nearly every topic that I brought up in my post, plus many more. It was one of the best dialogues I've heard, not only regarding Lyme and Cannabis Oil, but just dealing and living with Chronic Lyme Disease in general.
It seems a bit of a coincidence that I happened upon this podcast after writing my last post, especially considering I had also just read an article about being aware of synchronicity in daily life - that I also came across kind of coincidentally. It is what it is…..
High Noon - Cannabis Oil and Lyme Disease
-----
For the next two weeks, I'm going to stay the course with my current treatment protocol. Meaning, I basically will have no freakin' clue what is working and what's not working.
Did I sleep better last night because of the Melatonin? Is that finally working after taking it for a month? Or, perhaps it's the DHEA or maybe the Testosterone injections or the Cannabis Paste or the fact that I overdid it the day before or maybe I'm having a reaction to one of the three antibiotics or some of the other oddball supplements are doing something…….
When I'm asked if the antibiotics are "working", I never know how to answer. Yes, I do feel worse when I take certain ones. Some give me energy. Some make me feel drunk. They all give me incredible headaches the first few days I start them. However, It's hard to say which does which, as I'm always taking at least three antibiotics at the same time.
My supplement protocol is always in flux as well. Plus, I'm now taking high doses of Vitamin D3, low doses of hydrocortisone to help up my cortisol levels, and am still sticking 1cc of of testosterone into my thigh every five days.
Environmental factors play a huge roll in how I'm feeling as well. The smallest stressor, such as a phone call from the Social Security Administration saying that something happened to your paperwork again and that you have to do it all over for the third (fourth?) time, can send one off the rails. Just typing it out again can cause one's heart rate to go up a little. You'll have to trust me on this one right now. Grrr…...
Dealing with two year old twin awesome crazy girls that don't understand how much pain daddy is in can be quite taxing as well. Going to a 30 minute doctors appointment 2 miles down the road usually destroys the rest of the day.
So, yeah, who in the hell knows what is working what isn't. When every single action you take seemingly produces a negative counter reaction, be it from a pill or food or walking to get the mail, it can all get a tad confusing. Throw the brain fog and derealization and other neuro symptoms in on top of all of this, and you get the "Consuela" of the disease world (a Consuela is a horrible, and horribly strong mixed drink, I sort of remember from my college days in Corvallis).
Here's what I do know - this current protocol is killing my insides, destroying everything I have worked so hard for over the past five years. I probably have a better chance of maintaining a healthy gut while on antibiotics than most, simply due to the dietary changes I have made, knowing what to eat, and knowing what to avoid. However, it hasn't even been a month and I am losing the battle of the healthy gut alarmingly fast.
-----
Because I still have two weeks to go on this current regime, I'm not going to make any bold proclamations or lay out any grand plans. Right now, I just have a general outline that I'll fill in as the end of the month approaches.
This basic plan is to finish the current course of antibiotics, stop taking the hydrocortisone and Testosterone when the antibiotics are finished, and to greatly whittle back the use of the supplements. Of course, I will be doing this under the direction of my doctor, as he's quite supportive in these matters.
I recently started experimenting with a new type of concentrated cannabis extract that is commonly referred to as Cannabis Paste. I came across the idea on a website promoting the use of the paste as an alternative to Rick Simpson Oil. You can visit the site here: NewCure.org
I plan on making a full and very detailed post about this in the future. Although I cannot and will not make any claims about the paste now, I will say that I have been sleeping better than I have in YEARS since starting to take it one week ago. I would be happy to answer any questions anyone has the best I can.
My basic reason for experimenting with the paste? I like the simplicity of it and the fact that making it doesn't involve any extract procedures using nasty solvents. Also, the paste requires MUCH less raw cannabis material to make, a HUGE consideration for DIY'ers like me who can't afford to buy, or make, Rick Simpson Oil.
The real test will come in a couple of weeks when I am only using the paste. I already know that using it helps calm my stomach after taking my antibiotic dose, and it also greatly reduces my lower back, hip and SI Joint pain (helping me sleep much longer than normal). Does it produce a Herxenheimer Reaction, though? I know that RSO does. Will the paste?
I'll report back with answers in a few weeks.
thanks for reading.
-------
Here's the link to the podcast again:
High Noon - Cannabis Oil and Lyme Disease
It seems a bit of a coincidence that I happened upon this podcast after writing my last post, especially considering I had also just read an article about being aware of synchronicity in daily life - that I also came across kind of coincidentally. It is what it is…..
High Noon - Cannabis Oil and Lyme Disease
-----
For the next two weeks, I'm going to stay the course with my current treatment protocol. Meaning, I basically will have no freakin' clue what is working and what's not working.
Did I sleep better last night because of the Melatonin? Is that finally working after taking it for a month? Or, perhaps it's the DHEA or maybe the Testosterone injections or the Cannabis Paste or the fact that I overdid it the day before or maybe I'm having a reaction to one of the three antibiotics or some of the other oddball supplements are doing something…….
When I'm asked if the antibiotics are "working", I never know how to answer. Yes, I do feel worse when I take certain ones. Some give me energy. Some make me feel drunk. They all give me incredible headaches the first few days I start them. However, It's hard to say which does which, as I'm always taking at least three antibiotics at the same time.
My supplement protocol is always in flux as well. Plus, I'm now taking high doses of Vitamin D3, low doses of hydrocortisone to help up my cortisol levels, and am still sticking 1cc of of testosterone into my thigh every five days.
Environmental factors play a huge roll in how I'm feeling as well. The smallest stressor, such as a phone call from the Social Security Administration saying that something happened to your paperwork again and that you have to do it all over for the third (fourth?) time, can send one off the rails. Just typing it out again can cause one's heart rate to go up a little. You'll have to trust me on this one right now. Grrr…...
Dealing with two year old twin awesome crazy girls that don't understand how much pain daddy is in can be quite taxing as well. Going to a 30 minute doctors appointment 2 miles down the road usually destroys the rest of the day.
So, yeah, who in the hell knows what is working what isn't. When every single action you take seemingly produces a negative counter reaction, be it from a pill or food or walking to get the mail, it can all get a tad confusing. Throw the brain fog and derealization and other neuro symptoms in on top of all of this, and you get the "Consuela" of the disease world (a Consuela is a horrible, and horribly strong mixed drink, I sort of remember from my college days in Corvallis).
Here's what I do know - this current protocol is killing my insides, destroying everything I have worked so hard for over the past five years. I probably have a better chance of maintaining a healthy gut while on antibiotics than most, simply due to the dietary changes I have made, knowing what to eat, and knowing what to avoid. However, it hasn't even been a month and I am losing the battle of the healthy gut alarmingly fast.
-----
Because I still have two weeks to go on this current regime, I'm not going to make any bold proclamations or lay out any grand plans. Right now, I just have a general outline that I'll fill in as the end of the month approaches.
This basic plan is to finish the current course of antibiotics, stop taking the hydrocortisone and Testosterone when the antibiotics are finished, and to greatly whittle back the use of the supplements. Of course, I will be doing this under the direction of my doctor, as he's quite supportive in these matters.
I recently started experimenting with a new type of concentrated cannabis extract that is commonly referred to as Cannabis Paste. I came across the idea on a website promoting the use of the paste as an alternative to Rick Simpson Oil. You can visit the site here: NewCure.org
I plan on making a full and very detailed post about this in the future. Although I cannot and will not make any claims about the paste now, I will say that I have been sleeping better than I have in YEARS since starting to take it one week ago. I would be happy to answer any questions anyone has the best I can.
My basic reason for experimenting with the paste? I like the simplicity of it and the fact that making it doesn't involve any extract procedures using nasty solvents. Also, the paste requires MUCH less raw cannabis material to make, a HUGE consideration for DIY'ers like me who can't afford to buy, or make, Rick Simpson Oil.
The real test will come in a couple of weeks when I am only using the paste. I already know that using it helps calm my stomach after taking my antibiotic dose, and it also greatly reduces my lower back, hip and SI Joint pain (helping me sleep much longer than normal). Does it produce a Herxenheimer Reaction, though? I know that RSO does. Will the paste?
I'll report back with answers in a few weeks.
thanks for reading.
-------
Here's the link to the podcast again:
High Noon - Cannabis Oil and Lyme Disease
Saturday, February 15, 2014
The Increased Amplitude of Emotions
It's been almost two weeks since my last post, and not coincidentally, two weeks since I started my newest round of medication. Besides setting new personal records in pain endurance over a five day period early in the month, things have been going pretty much as expected. Let's just say, my expectations are very, very low.
My doctor had told me, and as I have read over and over on the web, chronic lyme patients often feel much, much worse when starting new meds (the Herx Reaction). After a few days, the patient is supposed to start feeling a little better as bugs are killed, eliminated, and then go into hiding in their cyst form. The thinking goes that month long pulses of strong antibiotics will eventually catch the invaders when they are vulnerable, killing them in the process and driving others back into hiding. Changing up the antibiotics each month or so keeps the bugs guessing.
I have a feeling that this method will be looked at as quite archaic in a decade or two. It's like decapitating a patient to get rid of his or her headache. It will be interesting to see what the future holds for both Lyme and Cancer treatments, each of which involves making a patient much sicker in order to get them better. However, how many really every do truly get better using this approach?
Honestly, I'm confused more than anything. My wife and I have worked very hard at changing our diets and re-learning how to eat. Doing this has been the number one best thing that I have done to help improve my condition. Bar none, the best thing by far. I can not emphasize this enough.
Twice a day I take a nuclear dose of antibiotics that sets off WWIII inside my belly. I'm being warned about candida and all kinds of other wonderful things. These drugs make me so sick that I can't get off the floor for nearly a week. When I finally do pull myself up, I feel entirely empty and dead inside. Almost emotionless.
I can keep telling myself to be positive, think happy thoughts, relax, watch some of my favorite old movies and laugh, etc…. It seems I can generate an overall feeling of tolerance for my situation in short bursts, but these are quickly swept aside. It's seems to be the specialty of the Doxycycline while it's inside my body - keeping everything tipped towards the negative. I noticed this last time I was on it as well.
The previous regiment I was on was much different, better overall, but still pretty horrible in its own way. It did allow me to be more active, but I also felt a lot more unbalanced. It was kind of a happy crazy, where I actually felt a bit creative, had the desire to work on things, do things, communicate with people, write, etc. Right now, I just want to…… I don't know, stare at a wall? Lie on the floor?
If I could, I'd just sleep for the next two weeks.
To wrap this up and tie it all together, this treatment path just doesn't feel right. Perhaps I need to seek out more success stories. I haven't found many for Chronic Lyme Patients who were misdiagnosed for as long as I was, but there are some out there. The bitch is, most of these people have used different approaches to get better. There really is no consensus on what works. Patients get in arguments with each other regarding different protocols that their doctors promote all the time. It's weird.
I'm just trying to grapple with how to approach all this that is not only best for myself, but for my family as well. Me being locked in my room for a month at a time, unable to even be around other people, is no way to get healthy. Taking medications that annihilate who I am, making me an uncaring, blank, emotionless turd, is no way to get healthy. Destroying the health of my gut and digestive system - also, no way to get healthy.
I don't know what the answer is. I'm simply just going to have to give this some more time. This sickness doesn't just affect me, though, but those around me too. I am über-aware of this, probably to a fault. I feel so bad for what this disease has done to my family, how it has turned our lives upside down.
---
And, another negative, depressing post. THIS is why I disappear when I feel like this. I don't like putting this kind of energy out there, but shit, it IS my life right now. And, that's what this blog is about.
Hopefully I'll be back with a happier post soon. The kids are up, so I best go say good morning. Best part of my day. I just wish it lasted longer.
Thanks for reading. Take care.
My doctor had told me, and as I have read over and over on the web, chronic lyme patients often feel much, much worse when starting new meds (the Herx Reaction). After a few days, the patient is supposed to start feeling a little better as bugs are killed, eliminated, and then go into hiding in their cyst form. The thinking goes that month long pulses of strong antibiotics will eventually catch the invaders when they are vulnerable, killing them in the process and driving others back into hiding. Changing up the antibiotics each month or so keeps the bugs guessing.
I have a feeling that this method will be looked at as quite archaic in a decade or two. It's like decapitating a patient to get rid of his or her headache. It will be interesting to see what the future holds for both Lyme and Cancer treatments, each of which involves making a patient much sicker in order to get them better. However, how many really every do truly get better using this approach?
Honestly, I'm confused more than anything. My wife and I have worked very hard at changing our diets and re-learning how to eat. Doing this has been the number one best thing that I have done to help improve my condition. Bar none, the best thing by far. I can not emphasize this enough.
Twice a day I take a nuclear dose of antibiotics that sets off WWIII inside my belly. I'm being warned about candida and all kinds of other wonderful things. These drugs make me so sick that I can't get off the floor for nearly a week. When I finally do pull myself up, I feel entirely empty and dead inside. Almost emotionless.
I can keep telling myself to be positive, think happy thoughts, relax, watch some of my favorite old movies and laugh, etc…. It seems I can generate an overall feeling of tolerance for my situation in short bursts, but these are quickly swept aside. It's seems to be the specialty of the Doxycycline while it's inside my body - keeping everything tipped towards the negative. I noticed this last time I was on it as well.
The previous regiment I was on was much different, better overall, but still pretty horrible in its own way. It did allow me to be more active, but I also felt a lot more unbalanced. It was kind of a happy crazy, where I actually felt a bit creative, had the desire to work on things, do things, communicate with people, write, etc. Right now, I just want to…… I don't know, stare at a wall? Lie on the floor?
If I could, I'd just sleep for the next two weeks.
To wrap this up and tie it all together, this treatment path just doesn't feel right. Perhaps I need to seek out more success stories. I haven't found many for Chronic Lyme Patients who were misdiagnosed for as long as I was, but there are some out there. The bitch is, most of these people have used different approaches to get better. There really is no consensus on what works. Patients get in arguments with each other regarding different protocols that their doctors promote all the time. It's weird.
I'm just trying to grapple with how to approach all this that is not only best for myself, but for my family as well. Me being locked in my room for a month at a time, unable to even be around other people, is no way to get healthy. Taking medications that annihilate who I am, making me an uncaring, blank, emotionless turd, is no way to get healthy. Destroying the health of my gut and digestive system - also, no way to get healthy.
I don't know what the answer is. I'm simply just going to have to give this some more time. This sickness doesn't just affect me, though, but those around me too. I am über-aware of this, probably to a fault. I feel so bad for what this disease has done to my family, how it has turned our lives upside down.
---
And, another negative, depressing post. THIS is why I disappear when I feel like this. I don't like putting this kind of energy out there, but shit, it IS my life right now. And, that's what this blog is about.
Hopefully I'll be back with a happier post soon. The kids are up, so I best go say good morning. Best part of my day. I just wish it lasted longer.
Thanks for reading. Take care.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)